Self-Care is not Selfish.

busy-women

Self-care is not Selfish

So how are you…really?

Every day, I see the crazy, messy, demanding, no down-time, don’t let anyone see what this is really like truth people are living. I also see people searching for something different. Searching for something they believe is unattainable. Lives that they can enjoy, space to breathe, time to live and not just exist.

I have lived it and know it to be true. I am hardwired with a massive tendency to overload myself and overcommit. I have very high expectations of myself, three very busy children, coupled with a husband who travels for work and I run my own business so I know intimately, the juggle and the struggle that we women face. For a long time I spent my days over scheduling, trying to do it all, be it all and have it all. I was running on adrenalin and juggling lots of balls (pretty well) but I was missing basic opportunities for connectedness and happiness. I started to burn out.

So I stepped back. Big time. I had to make some changes that would better support me and my family. What I have learned over many years is that for me to thrive – at work and at home I need be very intentional and deliberate about supporting my wellbeing and investing in myself each and every day.

For so many women there is this sense of hopelessness around it all – that we are living a losing battle of just trying to stay on top of things. But here’s the thing…It is absolutely possible to live a life you love…to live a life that is full and stimulating and fulfilling but that is not panicked and rushed and chaotic.

Over time I have learned ways that have enabled me to take my wellbeing to a whole new dimension. As a result, I am more present, calm, energized and fulfilled. This didn’t just happen. It’s been a slow burn. My non-negotiables each day are good nutrition, exercise, enough sleep and meditation. By practicing these self-care rituals, I am much better at managing and embracing the busyness of life.

How to make ‘self-care’ actually happen.
It can be quite a challenge to find time for ourselves. Unless you plan it – ‘me time’ can easily fall off the to-do list.

  • Commitment to self. Getting over the idea that ‘self-care’ is selfish and that in fact it’s a necessary dimension of your wellbeing is the first step. When we are tired, stressed and pulled in too many directions, it is impossible to give our best to all that we must accomplish.
  • What is wasting time? Do you check your emails constantly? Answer personal calls in the middle of a work-day? Spend time mindlessly scrolling through social media? If this sounds like you, perhaps it’s time to prioritise your responsibilities and gain more time that way.
  • Learn to say “no”. Practise makes perfect but it is okay to say no to things that you don’t really want to do, need to do and don’t value.
  • Plan for it. Unless you plan for it, in our very busy, over committed lives it is likely to fall off the ‘to do’ list. We have to be pro-active about fitting it in. Schedule it like you would an appointment or a meeting.
  • Commit to a minimum of 10 – 20 minutes a day. Start off small. Do something (or nothing) that you enjoy and that allows you to let go of responsibility. Everyone has 10 minutes.
  • Create a daily ritual. This might be a bath, going for an evening walk or getting up early to meditate or have a quiet cup of tea alone. Build it into your day and make it something you look forward to.

No matter what ‘self-care’ means for you, it shouldn’t be at the bottom of your ‘To Do’ list. It is something we should be doing to stay healthy and happy. It’s basic. It’s fundamental.

So what can you do today to improve your self-care?
If you have a hunch that you’re not quite nailing it – I’d love to hear from you. I work with clients just like you to improve their wellness with simple strategies and routines to regain clarity and control, find balance in their day and develop healthy habits towards experiencing a more fulfilling life. Contact me here and lets have a chat.

Hyperstriving. It’s a Thing!

Hyperstriving. It's a thing!

I feel compelled to share…this concept of hyperstriving. I first met Talya Rabinovitz, a Psychologist and founder of ‘The Healthy Mind Project’ at a Wellness event late last year. Talya talked about this thing called ‘hyperstriving’ and my ears pricked up and there I was nodding along to everything she was saying… I am without doubt a recovering hyperstriver.

Talya explained that ‘hyperstriving’ (which she notes is not a clinical term or concept and could be called something else by other clinicians) is a relentless desire to achieve. It is when people align their sense of identity with achievement; that their value in this world is connected to what they do and how others see them. This concept of feeling good enough when they achieve. These people have very high expectations of themselves, they push and push and push themselves to achieve and yet when they do achieve, that feeling of elation never arrives, more this feeling and compulsion to keep striving, to keep hustling and to keep going. This thinking that maybe when I achieve this next big thing…then I’ll feel fulfilled. Except that feeling of being good enough and content enough and happy enough never arrives. Do, do, do. More, more, more!

See there is no happiness or contentment in hyperstriving. There is a real problem when our sense of worth is tied up in what we do and how others see us.

Whilst there is no valid and reliable checklist to diagnose a hyperstriver; I can say with a fair amount of certainty that so many of the women I know and the clients I see are in fact themselves ‘hyperstrivers.’ These women are smart, strong, driven, capable and switched on. These same women are wearing more hats, juggling more projects, working longer hours and taking on more responsibility than ever before. Meanwhile many of us continue to also fulfil traditional roles as home makers, nurturers, carers and partners. Add all of this to an endless list of ‘stuff’ we should be doing like exercising, eating well, having quality time with friends and family, improving ourselves and contributing to our community…There is no wonder we are overwhelmed and exhausted!

Could you be a hyperstriver? Do any of the following sound like you?

  • Lost your passion and purpose.
  • Burning out.
  • Relationships are suffering.
  • Always rushing.
  • Lack of satisfaction despite all the hard work.
  • Low energy.
  • Career flourishing, health diminishing.
  • Poor food habits.
  • Competing priorities.
  • Snappy and frustrated.
  • Rarely feel like you are on top of things.
  • Strung out and exhausted.
  • Daily battle to keep up.
  • Using coffee to warm up and alcohol to cool down.
  • No time to exercise.
  • Endless ‘To Do’ lists.
  • Values are no longer aligned with the life you’re living.
  • Always feeling like there is more to do.
  • Know you need to make changes but don’t know where to start.

I get you. I’ve been there. I also know with the benefit of hindsight that there is no joy or authentic, meaningful success to be found in always striving towards achieving the next big thing. Regardless of what we do or what we have, we are all precious and important. We are enough. There is real beauty, joy and happiness to be found in the ‘being’ and just letting go.

I help busy women like you achieve happier, healthier and more balanced lifestyles. With guidance, I will help you simplify and structure your ‘busy life’. We will work together to create a life that reflects what is really important to you. A life that aligns with what matters most to you. Together we will dig yourself out of the clutter. With my support, I will help you create healthy behaviours in the realms of nutrition, exercise, lifestyle, organisation and stress management. You will emerge feeling energised, inspired and empowered. You will have more time, have greater balance and feel like you are more aligned with your true self. For more information, contact me here.

Are You A Busy Martyr?

Are you a busy Martyr?

Are you too busy taking care of everyone else to focus on you?

We all want to feel well. We want to feel energetic, glowing, joyful and alive. However with modern demands and conflicting priorities life can be a bit chaotic. We seem to be pushing, striving, hustling and rushing. So healthy and well isn’t always easy to achieve, especially when we are so busy looking after everybody else. Looking after ourselves is often the last thing we focus on.

Busy is not an excuse.

So a very common excuse people make for not taking care of themselves is that they are too busy taking care of everybody else. They justify neglecting themselves in exchange for caring for others. Now this may sound noble, it may even appear selfless and giving; BUT it really is a means of self-sabotage.

You can’t pour from an empty cup.

If you are used to putting others first it’s hard to prioritise yourself, and not feel guilty about it. Consider an aeroplane when we are told to put on our own oxygen masks first before attending to others. The idea clashes with our instinct right? What does it really mean? Simply put: If you don’t put your mask on first, you won’t be there for all those other people when they need you. You will be unconscious.

The same applies to us. Our natural tendency is to do for others, because we are caring, loving, nurturing, responsible, supportive and competent people. However, just like the oxygen mask, we need to take care of ourselves so we can effectively take care of the people we love. I say it all the time to my clients; “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” If we are overweight, stressed out and unwell due to putting ourselves at the bottom of the ‘To-Do’ list, you can’t be your best for the important people in your life. Kind of counterintuitive right?

You can manage ‘Busy.’

So if you find yourself frazzled, worn out, irritable, habitually complaining and ‘over it,’ it’s probably time to make some changes. See the thing is, it is absolutely possible to live a life you love; to live a life that is interesting, stimulating and fulfilling but that is not panicked, rushed and chaotic. Managing ‘busy’ and looking after your health is a deliberate choice. An intentional mindset. A discipline within everyone’s reach.

As a health and wellness coach I see the crazy, messy, demanding, no down-time, don’t let anyone see what this is really like truth. I also see people searching for something different. Searching for something they believe is unattainable. Lives that they can enjoy, space to breathe, time to live and not just exist.

If you would like some guidance and support to find workable solutions that fit into your busy lives…solutions that done with consistency will ensure your life becomes full of real living and great health then contact me.

Life can be so much more than just keeping your head above water.